Strange things happen everytime I land on DC. It sets off my mania to a point of complete loss of self. I don’t exist anymore, jus my brain ticking like a timebomb waiting to explode. I got so MAD last time I was there, I began to jump from my apartment building windows (four meters high). I jumped so many times, I questioned how my chewing worked(?). I couldn’t get things to get faster and higher which send into violent episodes where I’d smash glass, pound on my mother’s boyfriends and friends and not eat for weeks. I dont have memory of this. But my mother was angry, said I’d thrown a piece of glass at her, said I reminded her of her father. I haven’t been in the US since. So if I do seem scared about going back there, maybe I am.
Being called indifferent and mean and rude and violent by multiple people.
I am more agressive than ever
Grateful because I got all my teeth intact
Watched Scarface y Cementerio de Elefantes and bad things came back to mind.
Drinking cherry coke for da first time. Had a good chat with da brother, makin fun of me cuz I was never sober when he wanted to talk. Had a vanilla ice cream cone for da first time since I was eight probably. My teacher’s all happy n our team won da futbol game today. We all cheered n I drank my coke thinkin of how much I’ve fucked up since I turned twelve. It’s ok now. I won’t be a shame anymore.
It goes like this: me so prideful that I’d rather swallow my own puke than admit weakness/ my friend getting pissed at my bullshit and leaving me for sumone else/ my brother and me realizing we have da same dealer, which pleases none of us/ my lit teacher tellin me “to not give in to pleasures so abruptly and easily, not everthing should be raw feeling and passion, you should let your emotions be felt too”/ me gigging at that/ da teacher asking “have you ever been comitted or even mature in your life?”/ me giggling @ that too